Back to December
by mary621
Summary: For months this pain has taken over her in a way that she can't explain, feeling like her daughter was stolen from her, when she wasn't. But for Finn she was. And it was all her doing.


**A/N: This is my first Glee fic ever! I've been obsessed since the first episode, but for some reason I haven't done a fic until now. Crazy, I know. So I love Finchel this season, but I am totally dissapointed at the complete lack of F/Q. So I really wanted to write what I tought should have happened. And this song is perfect for them. **

**Based on Back to December by Taylor Swift.**

**I hope you all love it!**

**-Mary X O X O **

* * *

**Back to December**

Quinn can feel the warm tears cascading down her pink cheeks as she stands in front of her kitchen counter, a certain letter already opened, the empty envelope lying on the counter. She can feel the pang in her chest as she stares down at the picture in her hands, running her thumb over the smooth film. It's a pain she never expected to have. From day one she was positive that this is what she wanted. She didn't want to be a mom at sixteen. She had dreams, dreams that were bigger than working the night shift at the pick-n-save and coming home to cleaning dirty diapers. But as her eyes scan longingly over every little feature of her baby daughter's face she doesn't care about those dreams. She cares about how she will never hear her daughter laugh, hush her cries when she fusses during the night, or see her first steps. All she will ever have is these letters that Shelby is going to send every six months, a single picture attached.

Quinn feels robbed, like her baby was taken right from her arms.

But her baby wasn't stolen. Quinn chose to give Beth away to Shelby, and she knows it. It was her choice, and she still can't cope with the loss.

Puck would occasionally ask her how she was doing. After the birth there was a small attempt at a relationship, but her heart wasn't in it. He was too much of a reminder, a reminder of all the mistakes she had made. But that didn't stop him from being concerned about her. He was always coming up to her with what she thought were silly questions. He would question whether she thought of Beth.

"Are you serious?" Quinn would always respond with wrath in her eyes, "You really are stupid."

'_What kind of question is that?'_ She would wonder, _'Of course I think of her. She is my daughter──was─ She was my daughter.'_

During her pregnancy Quinn would refuse to refer to the large bump under her shirt as her daughter. She didn't want to feel the pain of losing a child, knowing very well that the baby wouldn't be coming home with her. But as soon as the little pink bundle was placed in her arms that idea was completely forgotten. It was her daughter, the daughter that she would never get to know, never talk to her about boys, never help pick out a prom dress. These letters are the closest she's going to come to her daughter ever again, and it just doesn't seem right.

* * *

Quinn lies in bed with the buds to her IPod in her ears, trying to find the perfect song for her next glee assignment, which has to express feelings about someone important in your life. But honestly, she forgot about the assignment an hour back. She is too busy thinking about the letter. And she can't help from crying silent tears as she recalls the delightful way Shelby spoke of the little noises that Beth makes when she is happy.

'_I gave her up. It was my choice.'_ She mumbles to herself. _'Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you wanted this.'_

But she can't keep the image of her little baby girl, with a huge grin on her face and small blonde wisps of hair, out of her mind. It's all she can see.

But as the song changes on her IPod her mind stops thinking about her daughter, and it switches to another sore subject, one that hurts almost as much. This song always makes her think of him. She has yet to listen to it without breaking out in tears.

_I'm so glad you made time to see me  
How's life, tell me how's your family  
I haven't seen them in a while  
You've been good, busier then ever  
We small talk, work and the weather  
Your guard is up and I know why_

She can remember the pain in his eyes as he found out that everything he thought was true turned out to be a lie, that she was a lie, that his 'daughter' was a lie. And it was all her fault.__

'Cause the last time you saw me  
Is still burned in the back of your mind  
You gave me roses and I left them there to die

He had been nothing but amazing to her. He went with her to all of her appointments, peppering kisses lightly on her knuckles as he held her shaking palm. He would wrap her in his arms and whisper words of encouragement when she would break down, wondering how on earth she would be able to have a child.

"It's okay baby." He would whisper into her hairline, "I'll be with you. We'll do it together."

He was always there, no matter how hard it was. And what did she give him in return? She took his daughter away from him before he even got the chance to meet her. It pained her to think of how much he loved 'their' baby, how his eyes lit up when the baby first kicked, placing his hand over her swollen belly cautiously. She swore there were tears in his eyes as he felt the small patter against his palms.

And as the memory comes to her mind she realizes what she did to him. And she can feel her heart breaking because she knows the feeling all too well.

Quinn has spent the last few months fighting the feeling that her daughter was stolen from her, trying to fight away the pain because all along she knew it was her choice. But with Finn─ It wasn't his choice. She made him believe it was his daughter. She made him picture seeing little Drizzle being born, growing up, and having his lopsided smile and her blonde locks.

And then she ripped her away from him.

For months this pain has taken over her in a way that she can't explain, feeling like her daughter was stolen from her, when she wasn't. But for Finn she was. And it was all her doing.

_So this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night  
And I go back to December all the time  
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine  
I go back to December, turn around and make it all right  
I go back to December all the time_

Quinn gets up from her bed immediately, placing a jacket over her pink sweater and jeans. She grabs her purse and goes out the front door, venturing out into the cold November night.

The cold air freezes the tears on her face, making her cheeks burn. But the pain of the harsh wind barely matches the pain she is feeling inside.

_These days I haven't been sleeping  
Staying up playing back myself leaving  
When your birthday passed and I didn't call  
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times  
I watched you laughing from the passenger side and,  
Realized I loved you in the fall  
And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind  
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye _

When she approaches his door she is in complete disarray. Her hair is a mess from the winter winds and her tears have dried onto her face, turning her cheeks to a dark shade of pink, which matches the color of her nose and ears.

Her fingers are numb as she raises them to the door and she can barely feel it as she knocks them down hard on the door before she can talk herself out of it.

_So this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night  
And I go back to December all the time  
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine  
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
I go back to December all the time_

She can hear the foot steps approaching. Her heart speeds up and her breath is jagged, wondering what to expect. Will he yell? Will he cry? Will he smile? Will he slam the door in her face?

_I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right  
And how you held me in your arms that September night,  
The first time you ever saw me cry  
Maybe this is wishful thinking  
Probably mindless dreaming  
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right_

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't  
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

The door opens, and Quinn holds in her breath as she sees him, waiting for his reaction. Surprise is the first things she sees, his mouth forming a small 'O', but as she releases her breath in a shaky gasp he changes to worried, opening the door fully to get a better look. And it only takes him a moment to notice her disheveled and broken appearance. He's never seen her like this. Even when she had morning sickness she made sure that her hair and makeup were impeccable.

"Qu─Quinn?"

She looks down, wiping the tears that haven't dried by her chin.

Finn knows this isn't good. Quinn Fabray doesn't cry… Well maybe when she was all hopped up on those pregnancy hormones, but not anymore. She is supposed to be back to her old tough bitchy self. But the sight in front of Finn tells him that this isn't true. And as she struggles to find her words he becomes worried.

"Why don't you come inside? It's freezing."

Quinn just nods and allows Finn to lead her inside and into his living room.

"Do you want some coffee or hot chocolate or something? You look freezing."

"No." She shakes her head as she crosses her arms over her chest, rubbing her upper arms with her hands, trying to form her words in her head, "I just came to tell you something."

Finn nods, trying to wait patiently, "What is it Quinn?"

Her breathing quickens, biting her lip to keep tears down that are threatening to spill over. _'No.'_ She tells herself, _'You need to do this. Now!'_

"I'm sorry." She says quickly, so quickly it is hard for Finn to hear. But he did hear it. He just doesn't understand it. Why is she apologizing? They've barely talked in a year.

"What─Why?"

"I─I got this letter today from Shelby." Quinn begins to explain, "It's was about Beth. And it had a picture of her in it."

"O-kay?"

Finn still doesn't understand. Why is Quinn coming to him? What does she have to tell him about Beth? He found out a long time ago that she wasn't his daughter, something that he still thinks of occasionally, missing her like she _is_ his daughter.

"I just─ It hurt so much, reading about how my little girl was somebody else's daughter. It felt like─ like my daughter, my baby, was stolen from me."

His face softens, his natural compassion for other's feelings showing. But she cuts him off before he can comfort her. This isn't supposed to be about her. This is about him.

"But that's the thing." A tear collects in the corner of her eye, but she tries to stay strong, "She wasn't stolen from me. I gave her up. I didn't want her. That was my choice. But Finn─"

His interest perks as she addresses him and her voice cracks while speaking his name. He just tries to wait patiently, watching her carefully as she begins to speak, waiting to find out what this is all about.

"I realized something."

"What?" He asks as the tears build up in her chest, causing her to place a hand on her throat as she can't keep the tears from spilling over.

"She was stolen from you."

The silence is painful. All that can be heard is Quinn as she tries to stop the tears that flow heavily from her heartbreaking eyes.

Finn is in shock. They never speak to each other, let alone speak about Beth. And here she is, standing in front of him and apologizing for the pain he's felt since he found out that his daughter wasn't in fact his daughter. The hole in his chest, the one he has grown to be familiar with, is hurting him once again as he thinks of Drizzle and he watches Quinn break in front of him.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you. I─I was selfish." She cries, "I was just so scared. And I─I didn't want to lose you."

He's never seen her like this. Even when her father was screaming at her and her parents kicked her out. She at least attempted to keep herself composed then. But tonight, tonight she is crumbling before him. It is painful to watch, especially when it is mixed with the memory of the daughter that was never his.

"You─ You loved her. And that was my fault! And then she was taken from you! And that was my fault too!" She chokes on a sob as it escapes her mouth, "And I have the nerve to feel sorry for myself everyday, when I chose this! Not even thinking about what I did to you! I'm a horrible person!"

She shakes her head, covering her eyes with her tiny hands. As sobs overtake her body she backs up, feeling so naked and uncomfortable.

Finn can't take it anymore. He can't just sit back and watch as one of the strongest people he's ever met just brakes down in front of him. So he steps forward, grabbing her wrists as she begins to run her hands madly through her hair.

"Hey─ Hey!" He soothes, "Look at me Quinn!"

He is so forceful that it's even surprising himself. But Quinn is too upset and emotional to listen.

"No! I'm selfish! I'm so selfish!"

"Quinn stop it!" Finn shouts, cupping her face in his hands and making her look at him. He wipes away her tears with his thumb as she inhales deeply, calming herself down, "I appreciate you apologizing. I do. And you're right. It hurt to find out Drizzle wasn't my daughter."

A sob escapes her mouth as he mentions that name, but he continues as tears of his own build up.

"But the person who lied to me, who told me I was the father, that wasn't you Quinn."

She looks up at him, confusion showing behind her glossy eyes, "Wha─?"

"You've grown since then Quinn. You're a completely different person. You─ You wouldn't hurt anyone like I was hurt before. I know that."

He is right, she has changed. But she didn't expect that to get her off the hook for such a horrible offense. However she just nods her head through the tears that seem to come faster as he speaks, wondering how anyone could ever be so understanding. He has every right to yell at her, but he isn't.

"You're a good person Quinn."

"But─ But what I did was horrible. You should yell at me, or tell me to leave, or something!"

Finn sighs painfully, letting his hands fall from her cheeks to her shoulders, clasping them strongly as the smallest of smiles draws on his face through the pain of this conversation. "Well I'm not going to."

Quinn lets out deep raspy breaths as her grimacing face turns into a smirk to match his own, but tears still flow freely. Her hatred of being vulnerable is thrown out the window as she takes a step forward, stepping into Finn's arms. She doesn't know what possesses her to do it. It isn't a romantic hug, and she isn't expecting anything more than his comfort. But she just needs to know that he forgives her. So she wraps her arms around his waist and rests her head on his chest, letting the tears covering her face begin to coat his shirt.

"I─I'm so sorry. I─I─"

"Shhhh─" He quiets her, placing his arms around her, pulling them tight as he feels her body shake with sobs, "I know Quinn. I know. It's okay."

He can feel the tears soak his shirt, but he just continues to work his hand soothingly through her soft and silky blonde hair, "It's okay. Everything is gonna be okay."

_But this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night  
And I go back to December  
It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine  
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright  
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
I go back to December all the time_

All the time

"I miss you Finn."

"I miss you too Quinn."

* * *

**A/N: I hope you all loved it! **

**R/R?**


End file.
